fuck.

how can i not feel like this?

i’ve lost everything in a week. sure, i have a roof over my head and food to eat…but i don’t want to live here anymore, i can’t. and i don’t want to eat. maybe that’s ignorant and selfish but its the only thing i have control over anymore. is my eating. and now that’s going to be in full swing. 

goodbye to all of my friends. have fun in college. i’m taking six fucking credits. online. so i never have to leave my house. because everywhere else was full. so basically i’m a bullshitter. i quit my job because i thought i was leaving..living on my own..living it up in tucson, going to u of a, being with my friends. now i’m getting rehired at a place that i can’t stand only to make minimum wage to try to save up for my own place. 

after this week, i feel like i’m going to completely fall apart. i can’t take this anymore. everything is gone, everyone is leaving. 

and oh, hello, how are you doing? i’m doing great, thanks for talking shit about me all summer and acting like you’re my friend. saying how much i’ve changed for the worse, that i’m crazy and i’m a pothead and that i need alcohol to have fun. well fuck off. don’t act like you fucking care about me now that you’re seeing me face-to-face when you were just talking shit about me two nights ago.

and i feel like one person i care about that’s actually staying is losing interest..just like everyone else will. maybe he’s just noticing it more early than others do. that’s the whole point of “talking,” right? to get to know someone? i feel like he doesn’t want to get to know me anymore. he’s over it..and that makes me so sad. its so fucking typical of my life. i’ve prayed and asked for something different. and nothing changes. nothing ever fucking changes.

so how the fuck can i not feel depressed? how the hell can i not “experience feelings of loneliness, separation, self-loathing”? or “changes in my appetite”? i just want to sleep all day. never get out of bed. never leave. i don’t feel like doing anything. i don’t want to eat, i don’t want to watch tv, i don’t want to write, i don’t even want to go on facebook. i just want to listen to death cab and the low anthem and cry with the covers over my face. 

its times like these where i wish i wasn’t created..i’m not strong enough to deal with everything.

please let this not happen again.

i can’t stand another one of those terrible, sinking feelings.

i’ll snap in two. and then never heal.

and then i might just give up..

god, why am i so fucked up?

cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 peter 5:7

okay so i know right now that this is going to be very hard for me to write. sometimes i hate how honest i can be with myself. a lot of times i feel like ignorance is bliss. i don’t like feeling the pain. i don’t like thinking my thoughts. i don’t like going to those dark places in me that just make my heart sink.

i don’t know when it all happened. i don’t know where i lost myself. is this the person i’m becoming? how much more will i grow? because if my sixteen year old saw myself today i wouldn’t recognize me. my values have changed. everything about my heart has changed. is this normal?

i feel like the pressure of being a “christian” and growing up in a religious home has manipulated me from a young age. and sometimes i’m just really mad at god. why am i even here? why did he put me with these people? i feel like if it weren’t for the standards set on me since i was little i wouldn’t be so fucked up. if i could just be honest with my family things would be so different. if, if, if…

but no one is receptive. they would hear but wouldn’t listen. and they don’t know what i’m feeling and they honestly never will. they’ll never know what its like to live my life. getting married at 20, being each others firsts, staying together all of these years.. my sister is the same. she’s so naive. so good. so innocent. and it makes me wonder if something is genetically wrong with me. I DON’T BELONG HERE. at all. like i was misplaced at birth or something. maybe a few chromosomes were fucked up along the way. something. is it all in my head? do i do this to myself? i don’t know where it all went wrong.

but i can’t be here anymore. i never thought i could be this unhappy. with myself. with certain choices i’ve made. like what the hell why am i so stupid sometimes? i need to think. but i don’t. i just do. do, do, do. if’s and do’s are always going to fuck me over. 

i need to stop putting myself in bad situations. i need to but i don’t. i want to but i won’t. its times like these that i just want to end it all. but then i wonder if i’ll even make it to heaven. and hell can only be worse.. if i could just disappear i would. why was i created? i wish i wasn’t. i really honestly do. like WHY AM I HERE? i want to know. i have no purpose. i have no place. i just sit here and make mistake after mistake. and i can’t tell anyone about it. and it only gets worse. sooner or later its going to catch up to me and i won’t be able to handle it. 

i just wish that god and my life could correlate more. because as awful as it sounds, i don’t want to give up the sinful life. the things that are illegal or wrong just make it more fun. and its such a different time. can anyone who lives like me ever be just normal? or is everyone else fucked up? i wish that i didn’t only talk to god when i needed something. i wish that he and i could be on better terms. but i feel like he has his back to me. like he’s embarrassed of me. that’s how my family would be.

i just wish i could go back in time..and maybe just fix a few things. change a few choices. make something better happen out of a shitty situation. and it scares me. if i’m making all of these mistakes when i’m young is it just going to get worse? i mean, i’m not really happy with who i’ve become. part of me is. but part of me is horrified at the reflection in the mirror. physically, i’m fucked up. food is a love/hate relationship. i mean, i purge for god’s sake. i don’t eat all day unless i have to. or unless i need to binge. i am one of the most self-conscious people on the planet. i’m so vain and its disgusting. my sister is right. i’m disgusting. mentally, i’m way fucked up. obviously. i mean, just look at a few of my thoughts here. that isn’t normal. emotionally, i don’t do things right. i’ve never had sex while in a relationship. i don’t know if i’ve been in love. but i’ve been in hate. and i’m bitter and i’m cynical and pessimistic. romance is dead and took chivalry with it. and i’m okay with that, kind of. i mean, i think i’m just angry with who i’ve become. to be honest. something is wrong with me, i just know it. 

something is wrong with me.

asthenic:via elegantslum, nevver)

i think something is mentally wrong with me.

there are disconnects in my mind.

things don’t exactly add up.

i’m scared i’m doing this to myself.

but i’m in a room with no door, no escape.

i can’t leave, i can’t get out.

and part of me doesn’t want to..

i stay awake all night wondering what’s wrong with me. i miss when i was happy. when i didn’t think before doing. when i lived life carefree. when i lived in general. when i didn’t feel the need for a high just to forget about what is really happening. i miss when i didn’t want this for myself. i miss my naivety, my innocence, my sheltered self. 

and most of all, i wish i just knew who i was anymore.

ache:

i see no grace here. you practice what you preach to an extent. you manipulated me when i was younger so i would feel guilt for the choices i want to make now. you’re NOT how parents are supposed to act. this isn’t how parents are supposed to make their children feel. you guys are the reason i’m so fucked up.

I JUST WANT YOU TO SHOW ME YOU FUCKING CARE.

GOD IS THAT SO FUCKING HARD?

apparently it is. you say two fucking words to me today, interrogating me about what i did last night and then you tell me to do your chores, run your errands, and blame me for your fuck ups. thanks for making me pay for your shit when it wasn’t even my fucking fault. fuck you.

YOU AND I are back to square one. so fuck you. i don’t even care anymore.

i’ve never ever wanted to die before until today. this world isn’t beautiful. the “beauty” people see is jaded. it’s all contrived. nothing is fair, i don’t get what i want and i never will. so what the fuck is the point of trying? i have no dreams, only reality. there’s nothing that i add up to in this life. i’m worthless. there isn’t anything for me here. so why should i keep putting up with all this shit for nothing? it doesn’t make sense to me. if i had more than fourty dollars in my bank account i would get the fuck out of here.